Sad Entry

This is going to be a sad entry, this is not a warning, it's just a heads up, I know this is supposed to be a happy blog but today I'll do an exception.

Ok, so today, or yesterday, whatever, I spend the day with my fiancé, we went to buy some chocolates, we saw some shops, it was all going fine until she fell by accident :( She twisted her angle, leaving her with a huge ball on it, and she got a big bruise and scrap on her knee :(

First of all I felt bad because I didn't catch her, I was just ahead of her, I turned around and she was on the floor, crying. Just remembering that image makes me want to cry, I don't ever want her to get hurt, if I could make her immune to any kind of damage, I would, I would give ANYTHING to do that. I love her.

Second, I felt useless when I didn't have enough money to call for a cab to get her home. I was just there talking softly to her, holding down my own tears and repeating her "Calm down baby, I'm here by your side". I felt impotent, I felt stupid, I felt completely and helplessly useless. I then swore to myself that would not happen again, I need to have resources, I need to have money, I need to provide to her, because she is my life, without her there's nothing, her pain is my pain, I felt her tears running down my cheeks. I hate myself for not doing enough.

At the hospital I felt useless again, I saw her there, waiting to be called, and I couldn't do a thing. I wanted to move everybody out of the way and make her first, like it should be, because she is first for me, always have, always will. Her desires and needs are my orders, literally. I tried to make her laugh a couple of times, trying to keep her mind of the pain, I don't know if it worked, but I sure put my heart into it, like everything I do for her.

Once again I felt useless when I saw her, I knew she was hungry, and couldn't do anything because of the big of a failure I am. I then touched her several times by mistake on her knee, the bad one, and seeing her pain face was like taking a bullet on my tie or something similar. I didn't want to bother her, or hurt her, I just don't know how to behave when I see her crying, I want to do the best, be the best for her, but all I do generally is fuck things up even more.

After a couple of hours at the hospital, they sent her home with the order of not using her foot for 6 days. I know she has some works to show at her colleague, I really want to help her, be her aid, her right and left hand, but I just don't know how to do it. Maybe I could skip my classes to help her get to hers. I will figure out something. I just want to make her happy.

Then we (her mum, a friend of hers, she and myself) took a cab to her apartment. We arrived. For the first time on the whole evening I felt useful when I carried her to her apartment, giving her some help. We sat down on the table an her mum made us some much needed food. Thank you Nydia, you're great, you really are, I know she was more tired than I was and still she made us some dinner. Before dinner, something happened, me, being the stupid, moronic, ass-mentally disabled idiot I am, made my fiancé sad again. I wanted to get something as stupid and useless as a new follower on Twitter, and what I did was make her cry. My stupidity still amazes me. God only knows the last thing I would do, ever, is hurt her. I am just stupid. Maybe I hit the floor with my head when I was little or something.

On the ride home, I decided I needed some punishment. Some of my own. As a sign of punishment I am going to stay up all night, thinking about what I did, a stupid thing with big reactions. I am just gonna sit here, listening to my brother snore (it may sound funny, but is the biggest torture you can apply on me, hearing someone snore, I am dead serious). As a prove that I am awake, I am going to tweet a single dot on twitter every hour. Just a dot, I don't have the energy to put something else.

Maybe nobody is reading this but I need to do this, as a catharsis. And I am not doing this to torment or hurt my fiancé, it's the exact opposite, I see it as a prove that I really care about her, I really care how she feels, I really love her. I am going to pray for her wellbeing. I want her to get better, soon, now if possible God.